Hello.
Howdy.
Sup’?
At this moment in time, you’re probably dossing about, travelling back from uni – you know, trying your best to get on with your life and be a proper student/adult/functioning member of society; that, or repairing something, fiddling with something, just like you do. All of the time.
And that’s the great thing about you.
The thing, one of the many things that I love about you is that if you notice something isn’t quite right, broken, “under the weather,” no matter how minor or major the problem, you have an absolute urge and tendency to try your best to fiddle with it, fuck about with the settings until you can get it up and running at it’s optimal specs again. And that isn’t just to be said for technology, programs, websites you’re designing – but people, too. And I know that first hand. Because I’m one of those people.
As the title states, I completely consider you my platonic soul mate. In the sense that, I am totally in love with you, I am – but not in the sense of I want to marry you and hop your body parts until my knees are shaking. No. I simply adore your personality, your aesthetic, your conversation and above all your existence. Because in my times of need – my lowest points – you are my comfort. My complete support system; and my rock.
I didn’t know, or rather, I didn’t want anyone as compassionate and considerate as you in my life upon meeting you. I didn’t want friendship. I didn’t want companionship. I thought I was okay alone and that was the way it was to remain, but you changed everything. Down to the phrases I say, the things I do and everything in between. Because see, when I walked in to college that day I was not in a good place what so ever, I was very alone…very isolated. Very confused about the world, what I wanted, from myself and everyone else, my career…and I wasn’t, and honestly, I’m still not sure what I want or need from anyone else. But it turns out, it was your friendship that I needed.
There has been an umpteen amount of people I have met that have said the phrase; in the same or less words; “I’ll never give up on you.” And I don’t consider that statement to be truthful when coming from anyone but you. Because unlike everyone else – whether that be a family connection, a romantic one, a friendly one – who has uttered those words…you have stayed around. You have not only stayed around, you have firmly implanted yourself in to my life and my livelihood and anchored yourself to it like a leech affixed to ones skin – draining not blood, but hurt and distress, out of my life, clearing my head and sitting with me atop a mountain of my crushed hopes, dreams and desires and watching the grey skies fade away and the sun clearing through the clouds. That’s the phenomenal thing. You’re not just there for the sunny, amazing moments in life – you’re damn well there for the torrential rain, thunderstorm, devastating moments but your morals, support and advice always stay the same.
You’re part of my routine now, you know. My daily, in and out, pottering around routine. I wake up, and I instantly message you – that’s if I ever sleep, because I don’t seem to nowadays. Something happens – bad, good, upsetting, hilarious, and I just want to tell you about it because I know that you can appreciate any situation no matter if it’s involving you, me, or one of my next door neighbours that I just thought was worth writing home about, because that’s the thing; nothing feels like home to me anymore. Nothing feels like home, except one thing – and that’s when I can spend time with you. That, my friend, is where I feel safe, comfortable, able to be myself and let it all hang out, tell you everything from that spot I’ve got on my bum cheek down to the genuine levels of my depression, because it doesn’t matter whether it’s serious or not – there is nothing that I can’t tell you. And that’s not necessarily to say that time spent together has to be shared in person. I feel exactly the same way sitting on my sofa at home, whilst you’re playing Borderlands 100+ miles away from me, hearing your chuckles and sarcastic tone through my earphones thanks to a cheeky Facebook/Skype call.
Despite the fact that everyone thinks we’re secretly banging, in the nicest possible way, mate…I’m really happy that we’re not. Because, although we have no boundaries with each other, I feel that being together whether intimately or romantically would force an uncomfortable, awkward atmosphere down our throats and with a gut feeling as strong as this that it wouldn’t feel right, I’m incredibly pleased that it’s staying that way. If I’m ever faced with the conversation of someone asking about our friendship – someone that insinuates there is something more – again, in the nicest possible way, it really does induce nausea in me because it feels awful to think about, and I could never imagine you in such a way. I mean don’t get me wrong, you lookin’ good boo, but when we’re at the level where I could kill a man and ask for your help and you’d not shudder, cry, anything…just stick the kettle on and flick through the TV channel, I think that’s what’s meant by the “prime” of a friendship, and I’ll be honest…I fuckin’ loves it I do.
What I’m trying to say, really – is that I have absolutely no fucking idea what I would do without you.
I don’t know what I would do without your conversation, company, your sarcasm, your peachy outlook on life, your tech advice, your time, your stories of whatever encounter you had – I don’t know, really, I don’t, what I’d do without that now. I cannot remember life without you man, legitimately like I don’t know who the fuck I used to socialise with before because I just know that I socialise with you 99.9% of the time now, and that’s a very weird thought. You have taught me many a thing in your time – but you’ve never taught me how to survive without you and frankly, that’s a lesson I never want to learn and most definitely never want to have to implement.
If I was to die, I know you’d be the fucker that gets smashed at my funeral and socialises with everyone in the room lightening the mood and chatting on whether people want to talk to you or not. If I was to get married, I damn well fuckin’ know you’d be there, in a dress if I wanted you to be, cheering me the fuck on and being happy for me. If I was to face terminal illness – I know you’d be the first to check I was okay. Anything could happen in my life and your judgement of me would never ever change. I will never forget the fact that you were the only person bar from family that came to visit me after having Athena – and you hate kids! You hate children but you took your skinny jean and beanie wearing white ass down to that hospital to come and see me. And Jesus fucking Christ, I have never been happier to see you. Honestly.
My vag was falling out in that moment and legitimately, even then, I got hella comfort from you being there.
My nig. What I really just want you to know, is that I really, incredibly, entirely appreciate your existence and everything that you do for me. Thank you for putting up with me;
Putting up with me constantly tagging you in shit memes on Facebook, messaging you constantly, calling you constantly; crying at you, but then going to being ecstatic not 20 minutes later, rinse and repeat. Thank you for comforting Thank you for dealing with my emotional baggage and bullshit. Thank you, friend, for making me feel useful and wanted in a time where I do not. You’re a damn good friend. The best friend I have ever had.
And really. I never want to find out what it feels like to be without you.
I love you, ma bruh.
Stay suave.
Tay x
Another Moaning Mum 